For days now, I have been plagued with this thought, Am I good enough? It's a common theme of thoughts that have been racing through my mind my entire life. It's strange really that this journey with the crown is stirring up a lot of different emotions and feelings. The thoughts of competing and being judged for what for a brief moment someone sees about my life from an interview to costume to a bathing suit to an evening gown. It really comes down to how well I can present who I have become in a moment for someone else to judge if I am good enough to win a crown. So the last couple of days, I have found myself going to this place of self doubt. I do my best these days to fight off the urge to go into shame but rather observe what I am feeling and WHY I am feeling it. What is it that is pressuring me to feel this way and is it just me that creates the pressure?
I was having this conversation with someone yesterday about the fact that Iam Tongi was just Iam Tongi until he won the American Idol and now people's perception, including me since I am human, changes around him. It's this idea that if we get a lot of attention from people or associate with organizations that people esteem as important, then we see them as important. Again I am just being honest and vulnerable in my sharing right now. I even had the thought as I was contemplating sharing these thoughts with you this morning, maybe I should just stay positive and upbeat however that wouldn't be real. It's not that I am negative about it, it's just interesting to me the feelings I am having that are getting triggered as I get closer to the date of the competition.
It's a short runway and maybe that's why it's coming at me all at once. I find myself feeling really excited to be all dolled up and glitzy because that's been a fun time in my life however I am about 5-10 lbs more than I would like right now and that's messing with my head. When I was overweight, I would shake my head at people like me. I couldn't understand when they would say they were unhappy with their bodies, especially when I didn't see anything wrong with it. I would often think, 'try living in this body of mine.' These are my inner thoughts and just because I am at my goal weight range, doesn't mean I am immune to this line of thinking.
Even after I lost my weight, I have been in relationship with a man who would tell me on a regular basis that I ruined my body and that I needed to get plastic surgery, that I needed to be a size 4 instead of the size 6 I am and that if I gained weight, I wouldn't be accepted. What I realize now is that, those issues he had with me and my body were HIS ISSUES, not mine, however it doesn't mean there isn't apart of me that slips back into taking that upon myself to justify why I don't deserve to be loved or accepted. I swear this is a long term lesson in life.
I have often been known to talk about this fact that it takes an entire lifetime to become comfortable in our own skin and to be the women I are meant to be. It's almost like I am afraid of my own power, because I am powerful when I am confident and loving towards myself, when I know how to regulate my own thoughts and feelings along with my actions, I change the world.
To weak men, strong women are intimidating. I blogged about this many years ago when sitting in church, this guy leaned over to me and said , "Becky, you need to dialed it back, you are intimidating men." I turned to him in that moment and said, "If he is intimidated with me, he isn't the right man." The thought of ever having to change the core of who I am and what I stand for, should not be a prerequisite for being in a relationship with me. Of course there are factors of my personality and character that I am always wanting to work on however it's not at the expense of putting aside my own uniqueness and qualities.
It's kind of interesting that in August, I will be hosting a Women's Empowerment Retreat here in Hawaii and as we are working on the curriculum of it, we are addressing a lot of these issues and helping women see their greatness and power they have to give not only to themselves but to others in the world. So I guess God saw it fit for me to be challenged at this very moment to help prepare me to teach from a more authentic, loving space, because at the end of the day, God only sees me for who he created me to be, it's me that is taking a bit to figure it out and step into that beautiful powerful woman, regardless of the meat suit that I wear. And on top of that, this particular meat suit, aka body, that I have, doesn't define me, it only describes where I have been and I am grateful for the journey we have been on and the journey we will yet go on from this point on.
I mean I live in Hawaii where it doesn't matter what size you are, how much or how little make up you wear or even if you choose to do your hair or not. That's one of the many reasons I love it here.
Remember, there are so many things in this world that put pressures on us, don't forget to see it for what it is which are lies that we aren't good enough because we are. We live in very interesting times right now where many of us are exploring our voices, our passions and our callings in life. Many of us feel this intense desire to serve and until we can ..... well until "I" can manage the negative thoughts of "I am not good enough" I won't be able to service to the capacity I am called to serve.
The truth of the matter is, this opportunity to wear the crown, be out in public and to put smiles on people's faces is a tremendous opportunity to share the message of HOPE. Hope that there is freedom from self doubt, from the endless cycle of negative thinking and that we have a bright future by claiming our crown and standing in our power so as I go today to find a Hawaiian dress for my competition, I am going to remember, I am sure I am not the only one who struggles with this crazy thought that I am not enough however I also don't have to let it take me down. The truth is I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH, just the way I am and who I am blesses people's lives and who I am brings value to others.
"Leave people better than you found them!"
Go and CREATE an AMAZING DAY my dear friends.